Hi, my name is Chemory and I’m a sex coach. You feel like you have to admit it like an addiction – because people can be seriously judgmental when it comes to sex. Oddly enough, that’s also the most important thing a sex coach does: we help you gain internal permission to be comfortable with what turns you on.
South African comedian, Riaad Moosa, does a very funny skit in one of his shows where he takes on the Indian community’s response to him making jokes about sex. After recounting the negative responses and shocked looks he gets, Moosa goes on to quip: “There are a billion people in India. Actions speak louder then words.”
Actions speak louder than words
You have to admit, we don’t exactly live in a country with the healthiest attitudes about sex. We have ridiculously high AIDS rates, even more ridiculously high rates of sexual abuse and rape against women and children, and even our marriage laws favour men in the tribal systems still in play.
And yet, if you’re on the inside with marketing, you’ve undoubtedly heard the stories about how people react to even the cleanest, most educational sex campaigns. You don’t even have to go that far – just turn on a talk radio show about sex or try to have an open conversation about sex with the nearest person around you. As a culture, we’re terribly conservative when it comes to talking openly about sex.
That doesn’t mean sex goes away though, it just means that the ability to talk about sex healthily goes away – and the taboo grows because it’s an untouchable subject.
It’s time to rethink our values about sex
Sex should be special – I’m the first one to agree. In fact I’ll divulge that I’m completely sexually and emotionally monogamous to show how much I agree – I would never personally have sex with someone I do not love. I just honestly think we’ve placed the onus and taboo on the wrong parts of sex.
If we open the conversation about sex, one of the first things it achieves is that it makes information freely available.
I hear a lot of horror stories from teens about their first few sexual experiences, and a conclusion I cannot help coming to is how many young people have had their views of sexuality skewed because the only information they can access about sex is porn.
Access to quality information allows teens to satiate their curiosity in a healthier way. You won’t stop them having sex, and I will publicly debate anyone who tells me that teenagers are not having sex – because they are. However you will stop the violation that young girls feel because some inexperienced teen boy does something he’s seen on porn clips, like use his finger on her anally. Losing your virginity is a big deal already – an experience like that can put you off sex for life.
Secondly, we could improve marriages.
We have a stupidly high divorce rate, children living in child-headed households, and a breakdown of the family system at certain levels, with more children nowadays growing up with parents apart than together.
By teaching people how to have healthy and great sex together, you help them bond, and exponentially increase their chances of having a successful relationship. Likewise if you’re getting your thrills at home, and you’re happy, you won’t need to go looking for it elsewhere.
This is my favourite bit though: it’s impossible to build a healthy sexual relationship without dramatically improving your communication. Any coach will tell you that an improvement in one area of your life will always impact other areas. At minimum, improving your sexual communication with your partner means that your communication in all other levels of your relationship will improve too.
Add to this improved communication the bonding that will happen naturally through smell and the hormones that are released on your body, and sex becomes the single most powerful tool you have to make your romantic relationship the dream you always hoped it would be.
Lastly we could fix some of our big problems like AIDS and rape.
When we’re able to talk out loud about things sexual, we’ll be able to talk out loud about all things sexual – including the scourges of AIDS and rape.
By the same token, when people have healthier attitudes towards sex, and are taught to utilise sex in a way that facilitates bonding and improved communication, then the prevalence of these things will naturally drop, because the activity of sex will be so much more valued.
There’s always a time and place to shut up and back down about things, but as Einstein said, you cannot fix a problem at the same level of thinking that created it. Keeping quiet and blocking healthy discussion about sex out has not landed us in a pretty situation. Maybe it’s time to rethink that approach.