Suicide, depression, procrastination, laziness, your desires, wants, needs, ego and free will
Hahahaha…. and you thought you learned anything in isolation ;)
Free will does NOT mean desire!
Once you've made inroads into personalisation and understanding that your personal happiness does not actually matter at all - nor does anything that has happened to you in this lifetime, except to give you the experience to have the internal reference points you need to extrapolate understanding onto cosmic issues - you will come to understand why, and begin to see it playing out.
One of the biggest upper level lessons of personalisation is exactly this.... free will does NOT equal desire.
Until this point, you keep confusing the idea that CHOOSING to do something by FREE WILL means that you will DESIRE to do it.... you will FEEL LIKE doing it in other words.
For as long as you hold onto the idea that you are supposed to be personally happy, this confusion will keep occurring!
But.... do you really think that Jesus FELT LIKE being nailed to a cross, and suffocating and bleeding to death?
Do you think Jesus FELT LIKE enduring that level of pain?
Do you think anyone FEELS LIKE going through their Dark Night of the Soul and losing everything they are, have built and have known?
OF COURSE NOT!!
This is a pure Ego trap.... and as you get higher on your journey, you are going to FEEL LIKE doing stuff less and less and less.... because you get more and more and more NUMB.... the joy surges go away as well as the pain.
So Ego starts trying to take you from joy surge to joy surge, telling you that the joy is your right - you're entitled to have it.
Because the stupid 3D Ego view of a concept like "not being at the mercy of emotion" will be viewed as "being happy all the time".
But you're NOT aiming for personal happiness - you're aiming for inner peace.
Inner peace is the ability to stay calm and collected and in control REGARDLESS of the circumstances around you - whether good or bad.
Inner happiness is dependent on your circumstances and the experience you're in - inner peace is an internal state entirely within your control.
Inner peace makes you bulletproof.... because when an emotion hits you, whether good or bad, you stay rational, calm, cool and collected, able to operate from a rational place and NOT at the mercy of your emotions.
When you make a FREE WILL choice to do something, you are not at the mercy of your emotions either - just because Ego pushes back and says "this makes me feel bad and uncomfortable, and is NOT something I want to do"... it doesn't mean you have to pay attention or act according to that.
Procrastination? "I don't FEEL LIKE doing this."
Laziness? "I FEEL LIKE being lazy/doing nothing."
Boredom? "I don't FEEL LIKE there is enough variety for me to choose from."
The moment you can put the words FEEL LIKE into a sentence around the issue, you are experiencing an Ego response and you are fighting an Ego battle.
If you win, you'll get the wonderful prize of an Ego death. Laziness or procrastination going is an Ego death too.... when you're lazy, you've IDENTIFIED with being lazy.... it's become part of your identity.
Likewise, if it is currently happening in your life now, or is an event that happened inside this lifetime experience (including parents, childhood, KARMIC relationships - these only matter to you because the relationship and person are now present in your life), then you are PERSONALISING to this lifetime and identity.
Saying you do and don't FEEL LIKE doing something is the deepest kind of personalisation, because in the modern world, nobody can reach your emotions except for you.
If you really want to grow, you HAVE TO stop personalising and you HAVE TO stop caring so much about how you feel right now, and what you want right now.
For as long as you think you ARE this body you are inhabiting, and that this lifetime has any bearing or importance, you will never be able to move onto the next part of your identity. You will NOT be able to ascend.
In order to become the Higher Self, you have to DIE COMPLETELY to this lifetime and who you think you are now.... and ANY resistance or argument you felt there, when you read that, that's pure Ego.
You're spent YOUR WHOLE LIFE believing that you ARE your Ego and your emotional responses.... this means realising everything you've done, your whole life, you, are just a lie.... and you've done NOTHING but react until now.
It's a VERY fucking humbling experience.
But on the other side - there's the person you're looking for.
Oh and when you cross that threshold, you will CURE depression and suicidal urges forever as well.... because you'll realise that it ONLY EVER hurt because you thought you were entitled to it, you expected it, you thought someone owed it to you, and you were disappointed that what you wanted wasn't being delivered, when, where and how you wanted it.
Do you see the problem with conscious manifestation and the Law of Attraction for personal gain here?
You want a minion delivered by Tuesday, for example, and if you hold onto that, then you'll be nervous by Tuesday morning, anxious by Tuesday lunchtime, and possibly disappointed by Tuesday afternoon.
The moment you take the requirement/expectation/desire/obligation/want/need/rule of “Tuesday" away.... then it's just "I want a minion".
There's no reason to get pissed off on Tuesday after all - and the only thing that changed was the RULE or EXPECTATION that existed INSIDE of you.
Take away "I want" and all the creative energy goes into "a minion."
You have a much better chance of creating a minion that way, because all your energy is going into it, and you don't have to waste part of the limited time and energy you have to create this, on being disappointed on Tuesday, and thinking that you have to start all over again on Wednesday.
Your expectations just cause you to lose and regain hope in an endless cycle, instead of just staying fixed on what you are creating.... and the whole of society is geared around creating more and more of these artificial expectations and deadlines...
I mean really, tell me what January actually is, and how Science can prove that today is 21 January?
It's just a system that makes it EASIER for US to synchronise ourselves by using talking - it's language.
But, you worry about month end, and you think of money in terms of how much money you make in a month.... because society makes us think month end. And the more of us that agree with the idea, the more of a REALITY it becomes in this playground of the morphic field.
The answers you are looking for to the changes that are happening inside your mind are not to be found in the mainstream ideas.... it's why you could never reach peace and find answers out there, and why you've kept on seeking.
There is PEACE in these answers.... and the moment you look for PEACE instead of PERSONAL HAPPINESS, the whole playing field is going to change.
The only thing you will achieve by resisting the personalisation and personal happiness lesson, is to trap yourself in the WORST of the Ego layers.... where ALL the ego deaths are about depression and suicide, not wanting to live, not finding worth.
The worth and answers you are looking for are on the other side of personalisation.... and you have nothing to lose.
If I'm right, you'll be happy whether you are rich, poor, or somewhere in-between, and if I'm wrong, well then you can go back to believing that everything matters, and living in pain all the time.
Force the Ego death of "my desires and wants and needs DO NOT matter" - and go as deep as you possibly can.
Instructions on forcing the Ego death: http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/how-to-do-shadow-work-how-to-face-your-dark-shadow-or-ego
The moment you realise how that has been the source of your pain and depression, you will never look back.
It doesn't matter WHAT you feel - you ALWAYS have a CHOICE about how you act and react.
The moment you own that, is the moment you rule your world.
You can CHOOSE to do whatever you want - the only thing making you FEEL one way or another about it, is Ego.
The moment you FEEL about anything, that is your Ego talking.
Just focus on that - the rest tends to take care of itself.