Let’s talk honestly about depression, suicide, antidepressants and ‘tapering off’ your medication.
Recently I wrote an article that tackled the antidepressant issue in part, and as Internet trolls do, a lady immediately came along commenting that I’m an idiot for saying that people can come off antidepressants without tapering off. I completely disagree.
Like many people who have had intense spiritual journeys, my personal journey has been through the path of depression and suicide.
My first nearly successful suicide attempt was at 14, and I have had another major attempt since then. I spent a large part of my life very medicated, from the age of 5, and have been hospitalized multiple times for what psychiatry termed ‘breakdowns’ – I now know these were layers of major spiritual awakening, the first of which happened at 4.
According to medicine and psychiatry I have two types of epilepsy, temporal lobe and whole brain, and I have bipolar with chronic and INCURABLE depression.
Here’s the real kicker though – I am allergic to every antiepileptic medication except one, and that is so prohibitively expensive I’d need a job JUST to afford the medication monthly. I am also allergic to all antidepressants barring a very small handful – within weeks of starting a course of antidepressants I turn suicidal. It has the exact OPPOSITE effect on me. I’m also allergic to lithium.
So when I speak about the journey of depression, suicide and antidepressant medication, I do this from a very personal point of view. In addition I coach and help people with this journey.
In a way I was lucky that I am so heavily allergic to these medications, because first I got to see the wide range of medications out there and the long process they take you through, second because I have personally experienced stopping most of the medications on the market suddenly, and lastly because my situation meant that I HAD to look for alternative forms of treatment.
The problem with ‘Science’
As a woman of deep faith, I tend to have the same issue with ‘science’ based arguments that others do when we proffer spiritual or religious proof.
Science is a very abstract concept – a false god if you will. We speak about scientific ‘proof’, but science changes all the time, and what is ‘proof’ and ‘truth’ to them today can be totally different next week. They admit it’s best guess.
Secondly all scientific proof is based on the ‘rules of truth’ that science has currently accepted for that area. So you can prove gravity to me mathematically by using the rules of the science of gravity, but you can’t show me gravity or let me experience it.
When science comes along with ‘proof’ of something, it’s according to the rules science has made up. Science has gotten really good at this, giving us scales that tell us what we are and where we fit in.
So in this case, science has decided that there is a maximum amount of emotional pain and strife that a human being should experience, and going over that limit is dangerous.
Um excuse me? So science is telling us what the limit of emotion is that we can feel? How much a mother can love her baby in other words? Who died and made science God?
When you go on a big spiritual journey, one of the first things you’re going to start seeing is contrast and dualities, because we live our emotional experience in contrast.
So you’re going to have an emotional dip and it’s going to hurt like a bitch while in you’re in the place – and yes while it hurts so much you may even feel like you don’t want to live anymore. But if you just feel it and let it pass it will go away. And once it has gone away or released then there’s space inside you for the universe to fill with love.
So once you go through that absolute hell, and you face your demon and you RESIST the urge to give up (so you decide NOT to kill yourself), the empty space in you is going to be filled with the most unbelievable wave of bliss you have ever imagined.
You’ll ride that bliss wave for a while, and then it will normalize and then the process will start again. Sometimes the low periods will be terribly low – and if your path includes suicidal thoughts to reconcile, then you may often have to face (and slay) the beast of wanting to kill yourself and give up.
This IS the spiritual journey and it’s how your entire life unfolds anyway.
You don’t think that this is common? A trial by fire or a dark night of the soul… it’s so common in the spiritual experience we actually have terms for it. AA and NarcAnon call it rock bottom.
Medicine is telling you you’re useless
Every time someone tells you that you need to taper off your medicine because the emotions will be too much for you, they are basically telling you that you cannot function as a human being.
You’re not only accepting that you can’t even perform the most natural function of emotion, you’re paying them money every month to keep believing them that you will die if you cry. Even babies are born able to cry for goodness sake.
And that’s the biggest kicker… the guys who are telling you that you have to taper off slowly are the same guys who make money from the sale of the medication.
The instruction comes from a piece of paper printed for the purposes of being sold with the medication. The guys selling the medicine are the only guys who ever issue a decree as to whether a medication needs to be tapered off.
What did the toothpaste companies do when they wanted to sell more toothpaste? They made toothbrush heads slightly longer. This is the same thing – they want your money for a few months more.
Maybe in that time they can really MAKE YOU BELIEVE that you are addicted and need the medication.
Come to the edge
“Come to the edge,” He said. “We are afraid,” they said. “Come to the edge,” He said. And they came, and He pushed them. And they FLEW.
If you want to see miracles of healing you are going to have to leap. I had to leap the first time too – I’ve never looked back.
I cannot make guarantees that you will make the leap the first time – not even Neo made the first jump. I only know that you are stronger emotionally than anyone has ever given you credit for.
I DO BELIEVE in you. I KNOW you CAN do this.
It doesn’t matter how far down you fall with this, how much you cry or how bad the nervous breakdown is. The further down the rabbit hole you are, the stronger you will be when you come out of it.
Unequivocally, this is going to hurt like a bitch.
You will feel all those emotions you’ve been denying, and you will possibly even feel like you want to die. But that is the absolute worst that can happen – feeling like you want to die.
It doesn’t matter how much you feel like you want to die, you still always have the CHOICE whether to die or not. As long you don’t make that CHOICE (and it usually involves a fair bit of planning to make that choice), you will make it through and you will come out stronger on the other side.
You are stronger than this, better than this, bigger than this and you have the power to heal yourself.
Don’t let medicine and society lie to you any longer. You deserve a real, full and happy life where you feel all your emotions. It’s only when you feel ALL your emotions that you can truly open up to and feel love. Every pill you take you’re denying yourself love.
If you want the world to love you, you have to start by loving yourself.