A grief and loss experience, post-ascension
So I don’t often get really tangible experiences to illustrate what it’s like for me since I crossed over, what you can expect and why you want to get there, but my current experience of grief and loss over Eggy is unfolding…. and it’s fascinating.
So yes, first off…. I actually sit here and analyze stuff AS IT IS HAPPENING to me now…. it’s like the conscious part of me, but another stream of consciousness - best way I can explain it.
And that’s the first difference really - the observer.
I had something similar to the observer before, but this is on a whole different level…. now I analyze, unpack, understand and reconcile - as well as manage - the experience through the observer.
The observer is me, not me, and someone else - all at the same time.
It’s a duality understanding.
Secondly - the way I’m experiencing the emotions is totally different to anything before.
In a way - I’m not experiencing them at all - I’m distantly aware of them happening, and observing them, but totally detached.
It’s interesting on so many levels, but mostly because it brings into focus the HOW of how emotion IS the human experience.
As I’m sitting here, I’m having emotions that I’m dimly aware of, like…
- Frustration that we haven’t found Eggy yet.
- Anger at myself for him flying away - I should have been more cautious with so many people around.
- Guilt around Angelica - she is pretty mad at me, but hasn’t confronted me or admitted it yet. Student becomes the Teacher here lol ;)
- Guilt around myself - is he okay, why was I so stupid - so overly confident?
- Sadness that he is not around for me to love.
- Grief that he is gone.
I’m missing him…..
….and yet I’m not feeling a single one of these things.
When my Twin Flame ended last year - when I found out he’d catfished me and was married - I think I was in too much shock to register that I wasn’t really having an emotional reaction to the experience.
However, we’re 7-odd months later, and I’m even MORE cognizant, and even though this is a terrible loss, because this little bird just captured my heart, I’m remaining cool, calm and detached.
I’ve systematically been searching for him, staying calm and keeping faith.
I sense the emotion on the outside… and partly I WANT TO fall into it, because there is a sense of NOT BEING ALIVE as a human because I’m not having an emotional response that is unmanageable.
And in order to fill the gap where Eggy should be, my heart WANTS TO fall into grief and mourning and sadness - and my ego wants me to burst out and say that this is unfair.
But I’m not…. faith is kicking in each time and I’m saying…. whatever God’s will is, will come to pass. With faith and acceptance.
There is hope he will return - and I am keeping my thoughts there. I keep visualizing it.
But if that doesn’t happen, it will be okay. My world won’t end.
And as an inside snippet of info, most people who know me well would expect me to fall apart from something like this - about an animal. Way more than they’d expect it about a human lol.
The most fascinating part is how my system keeps REACHING for wanting to grieve and miss him though…. like I feel wrong somehow to not have that. And the emotion is so close I can touch it - and it would be so easy to fall into it.
But this time, I can cognitively and consciously manage the experience - and observe it. And then the faith kicks in.
I can still occasionally feel the build ups of emotion in my solar plexus, the tingling as the emotion reaches towards me - but it’s under my control completely. At no point will it happen without my ALLOWING it to happen - I can feel that.
So it’s been a mishmash of amazing lessons today…. pretty tired, but doubt I’ll sleep tonight. I won’t be working most likely…. I can create the clarity, but my system doesn’t want to. It was enough to share this.
I’m constantly amazed at how the journey changes me - and the things that I am able to experience now. How everything and everyone is a teacher for me now.
The emotional evolution is incomparable… that control I always thought I should and would have? I have that now.
Kinda makes me very curious to see what it is they are preparing me for if I’ve reached this evolution. Curious - without impatience lol ;)
My darling little Eggy bird - please come home. But if you don’t, I hope you have a happy life.
Heavenly Father, if it is Your will, I ask humbly that Eggy find his way home to us.
Holy Spirit, I have no idea how to do this - I’ll never know for as long I am in this body. I ask you to guide my every thought, to think for me, to choose for me. I dedicate the relationship with Eggy to you, and I give this situation into your hands.
I make no decisions for myself - I ask only for the outcome God would have me have. If you would have me do it, I will do it. If you will not have me do it, I will not do it.
You know the plan, I don’t - and I leave the direction entirely up to you.