There's no such thing as unconditional love. So, why do we keep lying about unconditional love?
Unconditional love is a concept people love to bandy around - especially in spiritual circles, where anything that does not meet another person’s Godview of all-loving gets you labelled and judged.
But first, there are honestly a few rare people that unconditional love does apply to - and here’s a good litmus test.
If you came home by surprise, and found someone you claim to love unconditionally burying the bodies of dead children they’d sexually abused and murdered in the backyard…. would you help them?
If you answered yes - this article isn’t for you and you should stop reading now.
If you answered no, then congrats, you’ve just discovered the first condition of your love for someone. You will not support someone to be a pedophile.
It’s an extreme example, I know, but I find this particular analogy hits home more often than not with people who are determined to hold onto the idea that their love is unconditional.
In cases where they really are determined to hold on, you will often be told that they don’t believe that that kind of thing is possible, and they won’t focus on anger or negativity.
Push a little on the issue and you’ll be told that you are trying to force the person into a negative expression. It’s not spiritual to express or entertain doubt or anger.
It always amazes me that they miss the point that this is the example - and not the content of the question.
The question is - if you discovered your partner is an active pedophile, would you help them continue it?
IF is there - but they’ll sidetrack you with insistence their partner is NOT a pedophile. Yes - that’s why it’s a hypothetical question.
Your partner may however be a pathological liar, and you need some boundaries before you start seeing the value of having boundaries at all.
Why do people hold onto this idea of unconditional love?
Most often it means you can keep loving someone that you know you should have walked away from ages ago.
When the loved one hurts you or causes damage or breaks you down, you can validate and justify it away by saying that 'your love for them is so great', 'the bond is so strong', that 'you cannot walk away'.
You can use it as a pair of blinders in other words.
If you didn’t have those blinders on, you have to face the truth, and life could get uncomfortable very quickly in many cases.
How many abused women say.. 'but I love him, I long for him, I yearn him.'
'Have you ever loved someone so much?' That’s a common question you hear.
We use the concept of unconditional love as a means of getting away with murder - and not having boundaries.
So what is unconditional love really?
The concept means I am entitled to love - regardless of my worth, or what I do or put in to make myself worthy of love.
So the first thing that happens is that when we don’t get it we feel cheated - look at all the depression in the world, the many parent issues everyone seems to have. They all stem from the idea that there is a way that parents must act - with unconditional love.
What does unconditional love mean when you receive it?
It means you can do whatever you want, without boundaries, and everyone around you must just be okay with that.
Special relationships and their labels presuppose unconditional love.
What are special relationships?
A special relationship is one whose nature is defined, and expected to be generally understood, simply by the label it carries, e.g. a mom is a woman who loves her baby and feels protective and attached and bonded.
So what happens when you are the mom that doesn’t feel that? You can’t say it out loud or get help - because it’s just not the way things are done in the world. A mom loves her child unconditionally. And of course women are maternal and love kids.
Cue the moms of pedophiles again. How many of them stand by their sons?
We expect certain behaviors and actions of the special relationships in our lives though…. and when they don’t love us in a way that makes us immediately happy, in the moment, which usually means fulfilling an ego desire, then they have failed to provide unconditional love in the way we expect it. This means they aren’t fulfilling their side of the bargain and we begin to build resentment.
But seriously… how many eight year olds should actually be getting their way?
And you’re holding onto an idea that your parents failed you in some way because they didn’t meet your requirements at that age?
Where would you be now if you’d skipped school every day to watch cartoons and subsisted entirely on a diet of soda, cold drinks and sweets?
So at the first level, getting rid of the concept of unconditional love actually takes away a lot of the layers of problems we currently have in society.
Love is conditional. Parents are fallible. You will be too one day when you are an adult.
Unconditional love is a lie and it’s holding back your development
Even God’s love has a barrier to entry: you must accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
You must worship only Allah. You must become an Ascended Master. You must meditate and be a vegetarian. Pick your belief system - there are requirements.
And at an even more insidious level, unconditional love automatically presupposes free forgiveness.
- I can say whatever I want in a fight because my partner must love me unconditionally and therefore forgive anything I say or do.
- I don’t have to be sexy because my partner must love me unconditionally and therefore forgive anything I say or do.
- I don’t have to meet my partner’s needs sexually in a monogamous relationship but they must stay faithful because they love me unconditionally and therefore forgive anything I say or do.
- I can cheat on my partner and expect them to take me back every time because they must love me unconditionally and therefore forgive anything I say or do.
And sadly, it's always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
If it was known that your love has conditions then it wouldn’t be so easy to ask for forgiveness. It would be known upfront that there are boundaries.
And in fact, most of us already have conditions… what do you think monogamy is?
It’s a condition of the relationship: once we enter into this relationship, it is a boundary or condition that you keep yourself only for me sexually.
We want to know people before they walk into our homes. You don’t leave all the doors open for total strangers.
These are all conditions of love, of the relationship’s existence. And we have a billion examples in our lives!
Including the fact that you EXPECT your partner to come to you every night. Every single expectation is a condition that makes your love conditional.
If your partner came home with a bevy of sex partners and had an orgy in your lounge in front of you - would you let them do it? NO! Your love is conditional on certain behaviors and actions.
Where does this concept stem from then?
The idea of unconditional love is a recursive way of saying that God accepts everything, because God is everything - including wrath, vengeance, anger, ego.
Everything that exists - whether it is good or bad according to our worldly standards - can only be of God in the beginning. And in order to return to God, we have to reconcile everything - including those parts we judge.
But humans are human and only hear what they want to hear.
So when you tell people these qualities are of God it causes problems in society. They begin to apply these qualities from the level they understand them at.
Now think about that…. how much has your understanding of faith changed over the years? Of trust? Of revenge? Of anger?
From the level of ego these are very dangerous qualities. They can do untold damage when wielded incorrectly.
But is it still wrathful if you are fighting for God and He comes down and smites your enemies in front of you?
To you it looks like a miracle - to the other guys it looks punishment and torture. To God it is wrath utilized to protect those who serve him.
Everything, in other words, depends on how you view it - what level of development you are working from.
But you still need to get this idea across to people, so you tell them to love everyone instead - because it’s easier for them to understand and apply. And honestly it means less explanation.
Just think about the endless conversations you’ve had with resistant egos… avoiding the explanation can be easier.
And then you reinforce the idea that there is God in everyone… and hope people make the connection for themselves along the line. You hope they investigate far enough to find the deeper layers of meaning.
A lot of this understanding comes during and after your Dark Night. And you will have a few major Trials By Fire along the way to prep you for a Dark Night.
Dark Nights of the Soul & facing your ego
A Dark Night is different from a Trial in that it requires you to face your ego - your dark. It’s part of the lessons of the dark, and you have to go through them to understand that God is everything.
It’s where so many are getting tripped up right now in their development - and you can see it mapped on the Human Consciousness Scale.
At around level 500, the Godview you have is that God is all loving, and your experience here is joy, bliss, serenity.
So 500 - 700 is about unconditional love. Or at least those joy experiences understood inside the world’s morphic field of understanding. Because there are so many, what we term, positive and joy experiences at this level, it’s easy to get into the habit of thinking it must always be joy.
Then there is the bridge - the dark night of the Soul - lessons of the dark. Facing your ego.
700 upwards and your Godview becomes ineffable and IS. It’s balanced - both light and dark. All.
I didn’t create the HCS or the categorizations. I’m drawing the parallel to show you how common this knowledge is.
God is all of it - everything. You won’t love the dark in others until you face and love it in yourself. You won’t love it in God either until you see and understand it in yourself.
This is the next problem we face - the false ideas that manifestation for ego fulfillment has spread
Manifestation is great, but we’ve taught people to use it for their ego desires to be fulfilled.
This carries the underlying belief that people should expect to have their ego desires fulfilled, which means getting what they want and believe will make them happy now, immediately.
Ego and patience are not bedfellows, which is why ego demands instant gratification.
So when their ego desires aren’t fulfilled, people feel cheated out of unconditional love and feel a failure for not manifesting what they want, and we have unhappiness in relationships because of unmet expectations.
Likewise the message to only focus on the positive and don’t ever look at negative - this message from books like The Secret means that people think spirituality also means you can’t have dark side, or look at your dark, or face your dark.
So it creates another barrier to people facing their dark nights of the soul, mainly because it presupposes that anything bad can’t be coming from God. And by bad we mean, anything that I don’t want that hasn’t made me happy now.
So people are battling insanely when it comes to their Dark Nights because they have created a barrier to accepting many of the really HARD lessons that start arising.
All the rules get turned on their head after 700 - it’s a whole new way of thinking
And think about that - each time something like this happens on earth, a new level of thinking is introduced.
Jesus simplified the message down to Love God above all others and love your neighbor as your love yourself.
We are evolving up - introducing a next level of thinking.
The level we currently have is clearly not working - it has led to the world we currently see, which is the world we’re unhappy with.
This is about revealing the incorrect ideas we have and putting right thinking back into place.
For years we’ve heard about how the real secrets are kept from us because we can’t accept them and aren’t ready for them.
Did you think hearing this stuff would be easy?
Do you think it’s easy to enter a whole new paradigm of thinking in a world that is petrified of change?
Do you think we’d need to be here doing this if the current worldview of God was right?