Possibly the most frustrating thing about working with ego is the deep attachment to personalisation, victim mentality, suffering and the willful ignorance.
I distinctly recall being given timelines on my dark night, knowing that I would still face years of trial, and sticking my head down and doing it.
Even though I knew I was in for the long haul and it would be difficult and painful, I still said okay. And I opened myself to change.
The lack of willingness to do the work or be in it for the long haul is the thing that kills all journeyers.
And if I'm brutally honest, it looks weak from where I stand.
When the statement came to me, I immediately cycled it out within 24 hours. And I had two distinct layers separated by about 8 years.
When I realised that it really meant that, that none of my dreams would come true, it took a few hours to accept it and then I said 'okay, where to from here?’
I was willing to go through the layers, I was willing to face the unhappiness, and I accepted that it would last for years.
Don't get me wrong, I certainly didn't want to face it, and at times the load has been unbearable, but I accepted it as part of the process.
Or so I thought... turns out it's more than part of the process though; turns out it's everything.
You have to go through this years long process of Ego Deaths and your dark night, because there are so many skills you gain from it along the way.
You have to get okay with challenges and difficulties and you have to go through this process and embrace it.
I cannot show you why it's crucial - no one can. I can warn you that it will be hell. And I can tell you unequivocally you'll be more grateful for it than anything else you ever did afterwards.
You can ONLY understand this in retrospect. You cannot understand it UNTIL you've gone through it.
Stop avoiding your pain - know you are strong enough to face it.
The worst thing that can happen is you'll feel suicidal - and all you have to do is NOT kill yourself.
The worst thing that can happen with psychic pain is feeling suicidal - you still have a choice about acting on it or not.
You are not at the mercy of your feelings - you have control regardless of what you're feeling.
Feel your pain, face your shit.
It's gonna hurt, it's gonna take months and years, and it's gonna feel like an uphill battle.
And one day you'll suddenly have enough puzzle pieces to see a bigger picture and you'll know why you did it.
No one can give this to you - you have to do this for yourself.
I spent my life in chronic depression and now I know I'll never be there again.
You deserve that kind of control in your world too - and it lies on the other side of feeling that pain that lies inside you.
And as bad as it all feels now? That's how petty, stupid and small all those issues will look when you cross over and look back again.
Pain and challenges are inevitable - suffering is always optional.
Choose to stop suffering. Choose to let the process change you.
The rest will take care of itself.