Why are empaths such easy targets for narcissists and psychopaths?
It’s no secret that those with narcissistic and psychopathic personalities and tendencies choose their victims carefully, but what are the characteristics they look for - and how does that make empaths such an easy target?
The qualities of an empath that attract narcissists
So to begin with - what is an empath actually?
In a nutshell, an empath is like a scrubber or filter for negative energies.
Have you ever noticed how other people’s lives get better once you’ve seen them and they feel lighter? Or even that somehow their issues jump from their life into yours?
That’s the empath bond.
Basically, once the person is connected to your energy, usually by contact or communication, energies from their life that they can’t process, filter into your life and energy, and you release it - after you’ve scrubbed it ;)
The scrubbing is the important bit - most people who are psychopaths have maybe one bad incident in their past, or a few years of abuse. That alone was enough to trigger violence, rage, anger, etc in the psychopath.
This concept is covered in epigenetics… how the nurture of the environment triggers latent psychopathic tendencies and genes to become active.
Empaths seem to have the exact opposite thing.
With empaths, it doesn’t seem to matter how much bad you throw at them, they always want to clear the negativity and come out better on the other side. They try or aim to turn it into something good - or at minimum not perpetuate that negativity into the world.
At worst, if an empath can’t handle the load, they will hurt themselves.
This is one of the reasons suicide is so prevalent among empaths - the back up switch for negative energy overload in our systems is that we will remove ourselves permanently, before we get to a point of hurting others.
Read more background about empaths at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/what-it-means-to-be-an-empath
So this leads to two of the reasons we seem to be magnetically attracted to narcissists and psychopaths:
- First: negative energy doesn’t scare us because we don’t see it as a threat. We rush in where angels fear to tread.
- Second: it doesn’t matter how much negative energy we’re exposed to, we’ll always keep processing and taking on more and more and more of the load.
Basically we’re bottomless pits for processing negative energy and turning it into something good.
The universe hates imbalance and so the rules of energetic attractions and mirrors state that these two opposites are drawn to each other in order to create balance. That’s the basic principle of mirrors.
The behaviors of an empath that attract narcissists
The next set of reasons is more fully understood if you read these 6 ways that empaths sabotage their relationships: http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/6-ways-that-empaths-sabotage-their-relationships
In a nutshell, the reasons are:
- Thinking for your partner
- Speaking for your partner
- Carrying the load for your partner
- Carrying the load for yourself
- Compromising your needs
- Not expressing yourself
- Breaking your own boundaries
- Offering unconditional love - read more at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/unconditional-love-perpetuating-a-lack-of-personal-responsibility
In all ways, what we do is we take on all the load and work for the narcissist - and all they have to do is sit back and agree.
So when you get angry and your partner is not around, you have the fight in your head and sort it out yourself, and are happy and peaceful again by the time your partner gets home.
The problem with this, as mentioned in the article, is that the agreements and realizations you come to are in your head alone. Your partner does not know what has been discussed and did not actually agree.
You fixed your relationship with false promises that you fantasized in your head. And your partner missed out on the growth opportunity.
Or your partner stays silent and you think: he/she doesn’t know what to say, and then you speak for them.
Silence is a powerful tool - I use it all the time when I coach. When I’ve hit a roadblock with someone - I stay silent. I let them make the next move.
As empaths, we wear our hearts on our sleeves and blurt out everything - truth is crucial to most of us. If you leave us alone to speak long enough, we’ll tell them everything we want from them - and all they have to do is agree.
They don’t even have to hear what we said - they just have to wait for us to cycle down to the end where we say what we want, and then agree with us, giving us our way.
It’s about as effective as having the fight in your head alone - it’s still all false promises.
We also come from a position of truth in most cases, and we assign that characteristic to others we deal with. So, we assume the person must be telling us the truth.
And we do all the work - offering unconditional love.
We carry the load, manage the emotional turmoil, look after our partner, look after ourselves because we can’t expect our partner to do that, compromise our boundaries and so much more.
It usually takes a long while to realize that you have done all the work and the narcissist or psychopath has simply gone along for a free ride.
- Who initiates contact usually?
- Who reaches out first usually?
- Who manages the conversation?
- Who soothes ruffled feathers?
- Who compromises the most?
- Who compromises on an ongoing basis?
I’m willing to bet most of these - and a few more - apply to you.
The last two about compromise are interesting, because it’s a fascinating tactic that psychopaths use.
They get you to do all the compromising until you have one of those days where you explode. That’s how they know you’re reaching a major boundary.
So in order to compensate for that, what they do is they make one big grand gesture of compromise. A big promise - potentially even some actual movement.
That settles us down and gives us hope - and within a few days or weeks we slip back into the same cycle again…. now buoyed by the hope that the light at the end of the tunnel can be seen.
It always sucks when you get near and find out it was just another spotlight.
In a way, what we are energetically makes us sitting ducks for these kinds of people.
And this is not a problem that is likely to disappear anytime soon.
We are here to clear the world’s energy, and psychopathy and narcissism are the deepest cesspools of negative ego-based energies that exist on the planet.
A key thing I keep coming back to, and hearing from many Twin Flames, is how much their partner did change and grow during the time they were together. Became more. (Just had a major deja vu while writing that!)
There is also the fact that narcissism and psychopathy are right at the top of the ego journey, so a good, solid rockbottom crash could catapult these kinds of people into deeply spiritual lives.
The biggest difference on an ego journey with or without God? With God you believe you’re working towards God. Without God, you believe you are God.
So the only thing missing from these kinds of people therefore is the spiritual understanding that they are part of a greater whole.
Why do I raise this?
Because if we cut every single person with narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies out we’d all be very alone.
And in many cases there are Twins who are determined to hold onto their partners, regardless of what they see. Free will is always honored first.
So yes - they are terrible people…. but there is a reason this pattern is prevalent in the world. This is the very thing we here to face and change.
I truly do understand the fascination with it and the urge to look at it.
What’s important is that you look at these empath characteristics and identify which apply to you.
- Where are you taking it too far?
- Where and how can you adjust your behaviors to create different results?
Most importantly, you need to start guarding your actions and behaviors more carefully; observing yourself and making sure you don’t do things like have the fight in your head or do all the talking.
Potential strategies for empaths dealing with narcissists include:
When you need to discuss something or have a fight with your partner, that you do NOT think about it until you talk to them.
This will be difficult LOL. Even more difficult will be feeling the emotions in the moment.
Think about that… empaths are about absorbing emotion and then releasing it from their systems in a positive way.
As a lower level recursion of this, we see any negative display of emotion as intolerable - including raising your voice, breaking down, losing your cool, expressing jealousy, fear, doubt, etc. It's the bubbling up of all this inside us that causes the easy crying and tears. It's a pressure release valve for tears to fall.
This strategy will mean that you will have to deal with those emotions in the moment: you usually have the fight in your head so that you have time to manage and process these emotions on your own.
So first you can’t plan what you are going to say and you have to let your emotions happen. So you have to let stuff blurt out.
The unexpected benefit of this is that you will show yourself properly for the first time - and where your real natural boundaries are.
Then once you have blurted something out you have to STOP.
Go into silence and sit with the embarrassment and shame and doubt and discomfort and WAIT for your partner to answer.
This means you can’t go in with what you want predetermined. You can’t have a solution in mind.
You have to let the other party offer the solution of their own free will - an idea that they have generated on their own.
When they present this solution, let them speak fully. Don’t give them words or help them.
What they say will tell you a lot about the truth of where they are. So if the solution they offer is breaking up, then you have your answer. They are not as committed as you are.
Also watch for solutions that offer one big gesture. Only accept solutions that require ongoing and regular action, e.g. something they have to commit to ongoing.
A holiday together is once-off. Finding a place together is permanent. A gift is once-off. Coming home at a reasonable time every night takes commitment.
LOL - I didn’t say it was going to be easy, but it will be revealing. Very revealing.
Love & light always
Amara Christi xo